Post by Gilbert Beilschmidt on Feb 19, 2011 0:35:19 GMT -5
[ TL;DR excuse at bottom ]
I am ending Hetalia Fantasia. And I am sorry for those of you who were waiting on me to complete it, but I just can't. I don't think I ever could.
You see, Fantasia wasn't just some over complicated role play that I had to work hours and hours on at a time only to get it into a testing state. Fantasia was suppose to be a lifeline for me, a self-made miracle, a saving grace. Now that I look back on it I see what it really was. A quickly spliced together, make-shift trap.
Fantasia was a thrown away idea by my ex-girlfriend. Long before Fantasia was put up on proboards, a while before I even started dating my now ex, Fantasia was a club created on dA by my friend. No work was put into it and, simply put, it died about as quickly as it was born. Without second thoughts I stopped visiting the club that had no admins or active members.
A few weeks passed and after a series of events I was stupid enough to ask my best friend to be my girlfriend. It was fine at first, just a simple relationship filled with "<3"s and "-hugs-" and "Take care, I love you"s. I was a corny and sent letters love poems in them. She drew little pictures of "our characters" Gilbert and Feliciano more often, sometimes together. And then we got the brilliant idea of actually meeting.
It was fun. I loved it. I rarely go out in real life and seeing my friend in person was exhilarating. I can honestly say, being out of my own house for once was one of the happiest and most exciting time of my life. And then I got home and found that things had changed.
Maybe it was one too many kisses on the cheeks. Maybe it was being a total idiot and listening to her every words like a love-stuck preteen. Maybe it was just cause I wasn't the Gilbert she expected me to be. But things changed and they never were the same after that.
I tried to ignore it. How she was never on; how she only stayed on for a few minutes; how she seemed so tired and disinterested. I wrote it off as her being busy because she had just moved to a new town and a new school during 12th grade; that she was struggling with getting online because she was unpacking her stuff around the apartment; that she was preparing for college; that she was drawing; and then the final excuse was that she was too dedicated to the RPs she was in.
But I was lonely and disillusioned and decided that a good idea would be to join one of her RPs so that we could at least say hello to each other daily. I never got the courage to ask about any of the RPs though- just made more excuses to myself. I'm not good with groups, I told myself. I'm not interested in the plots, I told myself. The people there would not like me, I told myself. And then the dear girl told me that she was making a RP herself and I jumped at the opportunity like a starved lion would pounce on a sleeping gazelle.
Cabaretalia lasted only a few days after I put my application on it. Back then I was disappointed, but now I feel stupid for not seeing that coming.
And so my last-ditch, relationship-saving plan was formed. I had to make an interesting Hetalia roleplay. I had to make it fast and I had to make it great. And I already had members: the now RPless members of the abandoned Cabaretalia would serve perfectly for making the new site. My friend had already proven that she liked them well enough and besides they had free time on their hands anyways. Now all I needed was a plot. And that's where the once abandoned Fantasia idea struck me. It was her idea. If I could only put enough work into it I knew that Hetalia Fantasia would save not only a dieing "love" but a decaying friendship.
But I did not expect creating a roleplay to be so difficult. I knew it would be complicated as far as Hetalia RPs go, but I expected more immediate interest. I expected people to want to help plan this sprawling idea with me. I didn't think for a moment that this idea that I had edited to suit my own needs would become too difficult for others to keep within their own mind's eye. The truth was Fantasia was a world within my head and I had trouble getting all it's eccentricities out on a forum. I asked friends online for help. I asked friends in real life for help. Hell I even asked my brother, mother and even psychologist for help. But the best anyone could give was support. It makes sense I suppose- God made the world in seven day which is a long time considering He can send up miracles in a second, and He too had no help. But I am not God. And I had very little time to fully sculpt this world of mine into the creation I needed it to be. I just didn't know how little time I had.
Time ran out in the first week of January. I received an email from my ex telling me that she did not want to speak with me again. Ever. That she just wasn't gay, that hell, she just wasn't bi. That she wanted the doll she sent me back (which I still don't know how she expects me to send to her without an address). That things just could not work with us.
I cried. Then I raged. And then I felt empty. Like someone had taken a jar filled with my feelings and dumped it down the toilet and then proceeded to soak up every drop left in the jar with a towel before lighting the towel on fire. She didn't even want to see a word I'd have to say. Ever again. My best friend. I didn't even really think of her as my girlfriend. My best friend. She didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
Fortunately over the next week things were cleared up and now she's answered the few emails I sent to her. We're on talking terms and that's all I can ask for anymore. We're not best friends. She's made that clear by how little she wants to talk and how short and bland her emails are. But at least we are friends.
I continued to try and work on Fantasia, now purposeless and painful to go on or even think about. Sometimes I feel like throwing up because of how selfish and stupid the idea was. Sometimes I feel like crying because I know I just can't make it into the site I promised I'd make it for you guys. I just cannot work on this site anymore. However, for those of you that might be interested I will soon be making a RP site with a much more simplistic plot and lighthearted purpose. I'm not entirely sure what the idea will be but I know why I will make it- because you guys are worth it. I want to make something that I can be proud of and you guys can have fun play around on because the amount of patience and kindness you have shown me is beyond anything I could ask of anyone and I thank each and every single one of you for taking the time to look at this site. I hope that in the future we will have many happy times together.
TL;DR VERSION
I'm a lazy, desperate asshole that tried to save my love life with a RP. It didn't work and I hate the RP. I will make a better RP for you guys to play.
I am ending Hetalia Fantasia. And I am sorry for those of you who were waiting on me to complete it, but I just can't. I don't think I ever could.
You see, Fantasia wasn't just some over complicated role play that I had to work hours and hours on at a time only to get it into a testing state. Fantasia was suppose to be a lifeline for me, a self-made miracle, a saving grace. Now that I look back on it I see what it really was. A quickly spliced together, make-shift trap.
Fantasia was a thrown away idea by my ex-girlfriend. Long before Fantasia was put up on proboards, a while before I even started dating my now ex, Fantasia was a club created on dA by my friend. No work was put into it and, simply put, it died about as quickly as it was born. Without second thoughts I stopped visiting the club that had no admins or active members.
A few weeks passed and after a series of events I was stupid enough to ask my best friend to be my girlfriend. It was fine at first, just a simple relationship filled with "<3"s and "-hugs-" and "Take care, I love you"s. I was a corny and sent letters love poems in them. She drew little pictures of "our characters" Gilbert and Feliciano more often, sometimes together. And then we got the brilliant idea of actually meeting.
It was fun. I loved it. I rarely go out in real life and seeing my friend in person was exhilarating. I can honestly say, being out of my own house for once was one of the happiest and most exciting time of my life. And then I got home and found that things had changed.
Maybe it was one too many kisses on the cheeks. Maybe it was being a total idiot and listening to her every words like a love-stuck preteen. Maybe it was just cause I wasn't the Gilbert she expected me to be. But things changed and they never were the same after that.
I tried to ignore it. How she was never on; how she only stayed on for a few minutes; how she seemed so tired and disinterested. I wrote it off as her being busy because she had just moved to a new town and a new school during 12th grade; that she was struggling with getting online because she was unpacking her stuff around the apartment; that she was preparing for college; that she was drawing; and then the final excuse was that she was too dedicated to the RPs she was in.
But I was lonely and disillusioned and decided that a good idea would be to join one of her RPs so that we could at least say hello to each other daily. I never got the courage to ask about any of the RPs though- just made more excuses to myself. I'm not good with groups, I told myself. I'm not interested in the plots, I told myself. The people there would not like me, I told myself. And then the dear girl told me that she was making a RP herself and I jumped at the opportunity like a starved lion would pounce on a sleeping gazelle.
Cabaretalia lasted only a few days after I put my application on it. Back then I was disappointed, but now I feel stupid for not seeing that coming.
And so my last-ditch, relationship-saving plan was formed. I had to make an interesting Hetalia roleplay. I had to make it fast and I had to make it great. And I already had members: the now RPless members of the abandoned Cabaretalia would serve perfectly for making the new site. My friend had already proven that she liked them well enough and besides they had free time on their hands anyways. Now all I needed was a plot. And that's where the once abandoned Fantasia idea struck me. It was her idea. If I could only put enough work into it I knew that Hetalia Fantasia would save not only a dieing "love" but a decaying friendship.
But I did not expect creating a roleplay to be so difficult. I knew it would be complicated as far as Hetalia RPs go, but I expected more immediate interest. I expected people to want to help plan this sprawling idea with me. I didn't think for a moment that this idea that I had edited to suit my own needs would become too difficult for others to keep within their own mind's eye. The truth was Fantasia was a world within my head and I had trouble getting all it's eccentricities out on a forum. I asked friends online for help. I asked friends in real life for help. Hell I even asked my brother, mother and even psychologist for help. But the best anyone could give was support. It makes sense I suppose- God made the world in seven day which is a long time considering He can send up miracles in a second, and He too had no help. But I am not God. And I had very little time to fully sculpt this world of mine into the creation I needed it to be. I just didn't know how little time I had.
Time ran out in the first week of January. I received an email from my ex telling me that she did not want to speak with me again. Ever. That she just wasn't gay, that hell, she just wasn't bi. That she wanted the doll she sent me back (which I still don't know how she expects me to send to her without an address). That things just could not work with us.
I cried. Then I raged. And then I felt empty. Like someone had taken a jar filled with my feelings and dumped it down the toilet and then proceeded to soak up every drop left in the jar with a towel before lighting the towel on fire. She didn't even want to see a word I'd have to say. Ever again. My best friend. I didn't even really think of her as my girlfriend. My best friend. She didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
Fortunately over the next week things were cleared up and now she's answered the few emails I sent to her. We're on talking terms and that's all I can ask for anymore. We're not best friends. She's made that clear by how little she wants to talk and how short and bland her emails are. But at least we are friends.
I continued to try and work on Fantasia, now purposeless and painful to go on or even think about. Sometimes I feel like throwing up because of how selfish and stupid the idea was. Sometimes I feel like crying because I know I just can't make it into the site I promised I'd make it for you guys. I just cannot work on this site anymore. However, for those of you that might be interested I will soon be making a RP site with a much more simplistic plot and lighthearted purpose. I'm not entirely sure what the idea will be but I know why I will make it- because you guys are worth it. I want to make something that I can be proud of and you guys can have fun play around on because the amount of patience and kindness you have shown me is beyond anything I could ask of anyone and I thank each and every single one of you for taking the time to look at this site. I hope that in the future we will have many happy times together.
TL;DR VERSION
I'm a lazy, desperate asshole that tried to save my love life with a RP. It didn't work and I hate the RP. I will make a better RP for you guys to play.
